I’ve Never Been One For Goodbye.

You’ve just closed the door and headed west for a vacation. I know that I will meet you on my way out to Colorado in a few short days and I still miss you. I’ll miss filling this apartment, these sidewalks, this town with our conversation and laughter and love. I know you’ll visit when you can and I will try to see you when I make it back to my home state. But it is already different.

As we grow farther and farther apart in distance and change and time, the difference will also grow and we will begin to forget each other, piece by piece, until all that remains in our memories is a name, a face, a moment of happiness that lingers over this spot on our timelines.

I will begin to forget the little nuances that make him so special. I will forget the name he gave his ’91 Cadillac. I will forget the brand of shirts he buys in every color. I will forget the smell of his thick as mud coffee he insists taste better than any brown drip. I will forget where the few flecks of gray reside in his black, wavy hair. I will forget if he held his mouth open or closed when he gave that sly, knowing smile at me from across the room.

This process sounds bad, careless, indifferent. But really, it’s the only thing that works. Forgetting heals. It makes the pain of loss, regret, indecision, or the wrong decision go away eventually. Forgetting isn’t so bad, it just hurts at the onset, when you know it’s starting and there is nothing you can do to stop it but you know that you can only move forward for the sake of your own dreams and your own life.

I know one thing I won’t forget though. It’s the hope that we share that one-day it could work out.

If there is such a thing as stars aligning, I hope they align for us in the future. They say that timing is everything. They couldn’t be more right. Timing is the only thing. It’s the thing that makes us come together or fall apart. It creates successes, failures, warm greetings, or sorrowful goodbyes. I hope that time is on our side later down the road. I hope that it sets us up for the greatest successes and the warmest of greetings wherever we may go. I just hope that one day it brings us together again.

So here it is. You can forget me. The actual body, the particularities, the stories. You can store those away in the deepest filing cabinets of your mind to make room for other memories, other experiences, other loves. But if I may request one thing: don’t throw the key away. Don’t forget the combination. Leave the door ajar and coffee brewing and some Wallflowers playing so that I may find my way back to you when time is my friend again. The things we chose to forget will be able to come back again, they will take up residence in the forefronts of our minds and hearts in order to remind us how to be together again. There won’t be awkward fumbling or the review of trivia from our lives past, or the reminder of how your hand feels on my hip when you brush past me in the kitchen, just the ease and the laughter of sharing a space, of sharing a love, and maybe, of sharing a life. I miss you already.

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