Wrote this bad boy and got published again wahoo this is fantastic !

7 Reason’s why Revirginizing is impractical in 2015

Revirginizing: a failed attempt to rebrand a goodwill sweater, as this season’s must have outerwear. Revirginizing is a quickly growing trend amongst non-virgins where they seek a second virginity through pro-longed abstinence (ew), prayer, meditation, or even surgery. To each their own is our normal mantra, but when people pay five grand to replace their hymen as an anniversary gift, we definitely have a comment.

  1. It feels disingenuous
    1. It’s kind of like when someone tells us that they volunteer for fun, absolutely love their new sugar free diet or that they abstain from drinking because they want to enjoy each experience with their whole mind and body. Good for you. You’re not doing that for us, you’re doing it for yourself and to make the rest of us look like hedonistic ass holes.
  2. It doesn’t erase former sexcapades
    1. Just because we’re not having sex now, doesn’t mean we don’t remember what it feels like and how awesome it is. While we may try to meditate our virginity back, we will totally drift to memories of that one wild night with that beautiful yoga instructor we met on tinder who threw us around the bedroom, making tantric love in positions ranging from extended side angle to crow pose. Once we’ve tasted the forbidden fruit we’re just torturing ourselves by going out for drinks with no hope of post date pillow talk.
  3. Masturbating/Oral sex is also out
    1. If we’re not having sex with another person we can at least DIY once in a while right? Not if we’re revirginizing. Ladies, we’ll just have to rely on riding our bikes a lot or going to hot tubs with really high-powered jets. Boys, Hangela is starting an early retirement.
  4. All or nothing
    1. Like alcohol and sugar, one sip/bite of that good stuff will leave you craving more. What’s the point of just a taste? It’s not like we’re ‘vegetarians’ and we ‘try’ a bite of that juicy, mushroom-swiss burger. Yeah we may feel guilty and our friends will give us shit for it, but it was really fucking delicious so we don’t care. If we go out and bang someone while we’re on the road to redemption we’ll feel a lot guiltier the next morning while simultaneously wanting to do it again. No sex is like no coffee, our resolve is bound to break and we’ll guzzle a 32 oz. Americano at some point only to regretfully live on the toilet for the rest of the word day.
  5. We already broke the seal
    1. For us gals, one of the highly memorably, slightly painful portions of our first time is the actual physical part of breaking the barrier. Like a ribbon cutting ceremony or crossing the finish line of a race, once that blockade is busted, it can’t be put back together – unless you want to spend $5k on surgery like these women. The virginity you’re trying to reclaim is not just related to one membrane, but instead is multifaceted.
  6. You’re missing out on all the health benefits
    1. We’re sure to become cranky and irritable without regular sex. It’s mentally and physically beneficial. For years, science has told us that safe sex is healthy, stress relieving, hormone balancing, etc. We can tell when Chelsea hasn’t been getting any because she’s acting like a huge bitch. Let’s do our roommates, friends, and the barista a favor and keep on getting down.
  7. The word Virginity needs to be redefined
    1. Maybe we attempt to Revirginize because it’s the only way we know how to get back to basics. Are we hoping to regain innocence by denying this one simple pleasure because it’s an obvious, tangible link to adulthood, maturity, and a straying from a childlike state? Perhaps the focus should shift towards rejecting secular notions, material items, and judgment all together. Besides ultra conservative religious groups and the Catholic Church, who cares if we’re virgins or not? No one we’d want to bang.

There are some things in life easier said than done. Re-claim that gym membership, re-claim your 10k goal, re-claim your commitment to not failing a single class this semester, but do us a favor and don’t reclaim your virginity. It’s gone. Embrace the chaos.

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