Pubes Speak, People Mumble

Pubic hairstyles can range from strawberry shapes decorating your monspubis, to naked as the day you were born, to a wild, uncharted jungle where you could rehabilitate an endangered species or 17. But despite their geometric variety, they say a lot about who the person attached to them is.

Here’s what your pubic hair design says about your personality, preferences, and sexual attitude.

LAAAADIES

The Bald Beaver

If you’re sporting literally not a single hair in your nether zone, first of all … mad props for the patience if it was a DIY job. Second of all, even more mad props if you put up with the sweat inducing, thigh clenching, stranger’s-face-in-your-vagina process that is the Brazilian wax.

You’re probably sitting in one of two camps right now in regards to your hairless vagine. One: you are a people pleaser, a woman who caters to others’ needs before putting hers first. You may also be playing into a man’s weird, barely-18 porn fantasy by keeping your lady bits clear of any debris that would usually signify you’re well past puberty.

On the other hand, you could be a kickass, ultra busy, C.E.O./aspiring girlboss who just doesn’t have time for shaving. Wax it all off on every other Tuesday at 4 p.m. in between staff meetings and mark that shit off your calendar. Keeping it clean means there’s more time and incentive for your yoga instructor to go down on you after your private sessions. Nama-stay right there.

The Great Pyramid at Giza

If you’ve opted for this triangular shaped patch of pubic goodness you’re a lady who desires a noticeable display of womanhood but also focuses on a put together appearance in and out of the bedroom. The Dorito, as we like to call it, takes precision, concentration, and some occasional trimming to maintain the shape. God forbid you end up with a rhombus down there. You’re probably a late twenties-early thirties public relations coordinator with a wild side who wears charcoal grey skirt suits by day and black lacey lingerie at night.

Since you’ve put the time into making sure your partner’s penis doesn’t get lost in your Bermuda triangle, you probably desire someone who grooms similarly – leaving some to signify virility, but not enough to denote laziness.

The Landing Strip

This long spit of hair extending from almost the top of the panties to just before the Great Divide (not the brewery) signifies that you like purpose and minimalism. You probably have a lot of clean-lined IKEA furniture and white dishes. You crave individuality but don’t want to fully commit to something that might be too arresting on the senses. You want to be bold, but your meticulous nature cautions against it unless you can fully nail it. Your landing strip is your Mona Lisa, your War and Peace, your Zen Garden. And it’s damn hard to get just right. Shave too much and you’ve got a Cheeze-It, shave too little and you’re left with an entire runway. Alas, keep steady on that indecision train choo-chooing between all or nothing. You don’t have to decide in the land of pubic hair!

Au Naturale

If your go-to is something akin to the Amazon rainforest, you’re either superbly confident, a feminist who will not cater to a man’s idealized version of the female form, or too cheap to buy razors. You like the feeling of some fuzz between your legs. It gives you a hidden confidence, only appearing to the public when you don your bikini and tufts the size of Truffula trees stick out on all sides. You’re totally the Lorax, and you speak on behalf of pubic hair everywhere.

When it comes to getting down, a full, hairy badge of honor can signify a couple of things: you’re either extremely open and adventurous in the bedroom- think Kama Sutra on crack – or you’re a big fan of missionary/doggie style (especially if the T.V. is on a turned to The Barefoot Contessa). You’ll either jump right into a most unflattering passion pretzel position or you’ll let him do the work while you bask in the delicious glory of Coq au Vin.

If you’re too cheap to buy razors, schedule a waxing, or even just trim that beast back a bit. If not, more power to ya. Primitively speaking, pubic hair was intended to trap and transmit your womanly aroma to preferable mates. This, you and your Garden of Good and Evil could totally come out on top with the most desirable, and probably hairiest mate on the block.

GUYS

Basic Bro

If you’ve decided to just take a bit off the sides and a little off the top, you’re a pretty level-headed dude. You acknowledge that not everyone wants to see your manliness sticking out the top of your underwear/swim trunks, but you also like to have a little something there to acknowledge your masculinity when you get lucky in the bedroom. You’re straightforward in everyday life, don’t fuck around with hair gel, fine leather goods or sushi, but you do have a few Banana Republic polos in your closet that you’ll take out when the occasion calls for it. Dinner with the in-laws? Trim it on or … something.

Nothing But Net

This naked-and-afraid approach is mostly reserved for the younger generation. If you’ve decided to take it all off, you’re probably in your late teens or early twenties and having depressingly random one night stands while questioning the social status of your length and girth. Shaving it all off makes your penis look bigger, but you know this; that was the original goal. Without a full base bush, your little guy stands out all on his own … but you’re not fooling anyone.

You’re probably not completely insecure about your twig and berries but you’re still coming of age and figuring out what the other half wants in a lover. For now this design works for you … there’s no bulky winter coat disguising your member and the hairless design makes clean-up a breeze. You’re also about 10 percent more aerodynamic both in and out of water, so we chose you to save us if we start drowning in a pool.

The Wedge

This design is similar to the female Great Pyramid design but leaves a little more to love. You’ve left a patch of hair in a somewhat precise triangular design, ending at your underwear line, but surrounding the shaft and stopping just short of your scrotum. It’s a crafty design, shaved with purpose and intent. You’re probably pretty artsy, enjoy reading Vonnegut and smoking American Spirit light blues. You’re down for the occasional thrift store Saturday excursion but in reality, you’d be just as happy buying your t-shirts from H&M. You’re trendy, which isn’t a bad thing at all. With this personality comes spontaneity in the bedroom but also coupled with dedicated performance. You want to please your lover because appearance is important to you, but you’re also not afraid to reveal your thoughts/feelings/triangle pubic hair design to your Tinder date who’s invariably a graphic designer.

The Brazilian Mohawk

Similar to the landing strip on the feminine counterpart, the Brazilian Mohawk allows for just a patch of hair above the shaft, everything else is clean as a whistle – including, but not limited to, the balls, perineum, and asshole. If you’ve opted for the Mohawk, you probably have some interesting preferences in life and in your sexuality. You’re in touch with your desires and not afraid to voice them. You also go to great lengths to get what you want and won’t settle for run of the mill everyday foreplay/jobs/afternoon walks in the park. You like experimental cocktails, ass play, and fixtures made from raw materials. You’re well on your way to becoming lead singer of a hit band, a corporate level decision maker, or head chef at a three Michelin star restaurant. It’s okay if you do coke on the weekends because your pubes are sassy as fuck.

Like death and taxes, pubic hair is unavoidable. So raise your freak flag high with whatever designs you want! Barely there or so-much-hair, there’s a world of possibilities to showcase your true inner beauty.

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